A New Me: A Self I Adore

 Since getting back from my travels in Europe, I feel like I've lived 3 different lives, and 3 different versions of me have come and gone. The version of me that had to readjust to an old and outdated society, realizing that I'm not who I was and I need to accept a new me. The version of me that was starting over, and starting a new life. And then the version of me who is brave enough to learn a new skill and start a new career. And it feels like a lifetime ago. I'm now becoming the version of me who sees pain as something to be embraced. Pain won't kill me. Pain doesn't weaken me. It's okay to be hurt, and to be in pain. But my world isn't crashing down around me, I'm not dying, and I'm no longer hyperventilating on the bathroom floor as a result of difficult feelings. My feelings have a lot less power over me these days. 

... Dot dot dot because the above paragraph was written a month short of 3 years ago. I don't know why I stopped or why I didn't return to complete the post, but it's likely because I wasn't finished doing the living I needed to do in order to finish it. But every single word of it rings true still. And it continues to ring with truth every day. Only instead of 3 different lives, I've lived about a dozen. The solo travelling bit turns out is only a single piece of the very complex puzzle I've been putting together my whole life. It's a single piece but its one of the most important pieces. 

Since I began this post almost 3 years ago, I have become confident, emotionally intelligent, and someone that isn't pushed around by said outdated society. I process pain differently now, and realize that which hurts me is not mine to keep. I have come to embrace a peaceful life with little to no distractions of the frivolous kind. And by frivolous, I mean romance and games that smaller people enjoy playing with the vulnerable and desperate. I have become the strong person standing firm and assured in my own skin that the person 8 year old me, 16 year old me, 24 year old me, and 30 year old me has always longed to be. But is there a point which we should stop focusing on becoming and just be?

I've become the person that my younger self so very much needed all along. I've become someone to be proud of that dances along to the music in my head and creates my own rhythm. I am inspired and I strive to inspire. 

Living my life on my own terms with no apologies (clichéd as fuck I know)

AnneMarie

They Aren't Your People, They Never Were...A Hard Lesson Learned

It's exciting, meeting new people to hang out with and laugh with. It's the greatest feeling when you're having a great time with your new peeps and they start saying "you fit right in with us!" This line has always started me thinking that I've met my people and finally I fit in somewhere. And then...they start posting pictures of the adventures they go on with the others, not even so much as throwing out an invite. Or you're going through 6 weeks of mental health hell, practically planning your own death, and it's crickets from their whole crowd. 

Personally, I'm tired of hearing the age old "people have their own lives". Yes. Okay. But when they call you a friend, that's suppose to mean something. Why do I have to be so understanding of other people all the fucking time, when they don't invite me anywhere or send me a casual message here and there when I'm having a shit time, but still have the fucking audacity to say "we're like a family"? It's not that I'm overthinking things, it's that they simply aren't my people. 

To me, being included and feeling like I belong somewhere doesn't feel like being left out and treated like an afterthought. When I'm truly friends with someone, I don't treat them this way because it's just shitty. 

Seeing people I thought were my friends ghost me, fall off the face of the Earth and then resurface with a new bestie who's getting tagged in everything and won't respond to my messages has been nothing short of devastating and hurtful and it's been happening since junior high. 

The truth is, most people who you thought were your friends aren't and never were.

The other side of this, is learning to move on without establishing the mindset that they're bad people, but one that they're just different. 

I'm an extrovert, I like to socialize, and I like going out and getting to know people and going on adventures. When I'm trying to be friends with people who don't ever invite me anywhere, and that never talk to me, and never agree to coming out, I have to realize that I'm trying to be friends with the wrong people. It doesn't mean that I'm anxiously attached or that I'm being too needy. It simply means, I have yet to meet the people meant for me :)

When you meet the right people that you're meant to have in your life as close friends, you won't feel rejected, or left out, or like you're always saying and doing the wrong things. And you won't feel like you need to prove yourself to fit in or be welcomed. They accept you all through your highs and lows, and are there for them too, even with a brief message to say hello once in awhile. 

By learning this lesson, it's easier to let it go. Your people will come and fitting in or a sense of belonging will come oh so naturally. 

Much Love,

Annie

xo

3 Ways to Heal Your Relationship with Yourself

                    

1) SET BOUNDARIES FOR YOURSELF

        Do you ever make a decision or say yes to something when you really wanted to say no? You know that feeling of instant regret or that feeling that you betrayed yourself? Those feelings you get are telling you that you violated boundaries that you should be enforcing. Decide right now 3 boundaries you have just for yourself. Write them down and read them back to yourself.

        Ex: My non-negotiables for myself are:    

        

• Must honor my needs at all times
• Must be fiercely dedicated to my growth and healing at all times, no exceptions
• Must consciously make decisions that reflect new and healthy patterns and habits, consistently
• Must make consistent and constant effort to be in the present moment     

2) Learn to recognize unhealthy patterns of familiarity so you can begin to change them

            The ugly truth is that humans are creatures of habit. From the time we are wee children, to the ripe old age of 99, we live out conscious and subconscious habits. Unfortunately, for those of us with any trauma, we tend to relive that too with different people who offer the same thing as the last. This is especially true in romantic relationships. How love was defined for you as a child is how you will seek love and recognize love as, as an adult. Our subconscious minds are always seeking out what's familiar as an effort to keep us safe. It's strange because it's seeking out dangers to let us know what to avoid...yet we end up being attracted to it. For me, it was being attracted to men that either didn't know how to love me, or would inevitably leave. My sperm donor (as I like to call him) left without a word and throughout my life, ghosted me twice. I haven't heard from him in over 10 years. So I would get involved with men that would offer a similar experience. 

                Be honest with yourself. I know this love interest may seem different right now, as they always do. But what indicators do they give that they're going to give you something different? It's not easy getting real with yourself because it saves energy to just go with it and accept what you've always accepted. But it's just you reliving your trauma again and again. The more honest you are with yourself, the sooner you can start making different decisions and having different encounters. 

                So ask yourself: What do my last 3 romantic relationships/interests have in common? What is the pattern? And what are some new habits I can form to start having more positive and healthier experiences?

3) Acknowledge past hurts, allow yourself to feel the accompanying emotions, and tend to your needs based on your emotions. 

                Emotions are about what you need. When you try to suppress or ignore events, emotions, and traumas, you're essentially ignoring your needs that are pivotal to your healing and development. Cry as hard and as long as you need to. Tune in to the emotions you're feeling and ask your inner child what it is they need. Comfort, stability, love, and understanding are usually at the top of the list. It's your job now to give that little person what they need. 

                This part is painful but doesn't have to be for long. What have you been keeping locked away to keep yourself from feeling the extent of what's been hurting you all these years? What are the emotions that come up when you set it free? And what are your emotions telling you that you need?

It is never too late to begin your journey. You can do this. And you can get through this <3

AnneMarie

xoxo

They Will NEVER See Your Worth

    This is a hard one to write, because it reminds me that forever and a day, I've failed over and over again to see my value. And I've been trying to prove it to others for a lifetime. Maybe if they see how good I look now, maybe once they see I ride a motorcycle, or I have a good paying job. The truth is, they will NEVER see your worth any more than you do. 

    And even when you begin to see your value, they still won't see the amazing, beautiful, and strong person you are. You've been through it sis, and no one from your past that treated you some kinda way is going to see what it took to get to where you are. I play over and over in my head, different scenarios where I run into people in the grocery store, on the street, at work, where maybe they'll see me, talk to me, and suddenly see what they're missing, see what they could have had, suddenly regret treating me the way they did. 

    Truth is, it's just another Tuesday for them. And it's another moment wasted wondering if they finally see it. If they see you. Nope. They're not even thinking about it. And quite frankly, you shouldn't be either. 

    We are told that thinking about ourselves is selfish, and we are raised with the oxymoron of "don't let people get to you", but on the same side of that coin, being told what people think of you matters. And this is where we start failing to see our worth. We put stock in what people think, so we start defining our self-worth by that too. It's time to put an end to this bullshit line of thinking. Start thinking about YOU, and what you think of YOU! 

    The best and easiest way to do this is to think of yourself as 2 different people. Imagine the other you as a different person and actually caring about what they think of the real you. That's who needs to see your worth. That's who needs to value you. 

    We put so much effort into defining our worth by how much others value us, that we literally forget about ourselves. We keep asking ourselves "Why won't they see my worth?" The truth is, it's not their fucking job. It's yours and it's time to own it. Let's stop making others responsible for how we feel about ourselves.

    The funny thing is that when we start truly seeing our own worth, and valuing ourselves the way we want others to, people who also value you will start coming into your life. And this is why self love before trying to love someone else is so important. It's not about DESERVING love if you love yourself. It's about boundaries. It's about setting those expectations for yourself and others who intend to stay in your life. When you practice self love, you set stronger limits and boundaries, and you'll draw in people who respect them and who also have strong boundaries, while others will fade away. 

    It's time to start turning inwards for the answers as to why we struggle so hard with friendships, relationships, etc. 

    So the people you've been thinking about for years, the people you imagine running into at the grocery store, and the people who didn't see your worth then, will NEVER see your worth now. And if they appear to, it's superficial. You have always been worthy. You've always been extremely valuable. You've always been worth it. Even as the "ugly duckling" in high school. Even before you bought a car. Even when you were making minimum wage at a coffee shop. Even when you were dumped or ghosted. 

You're worth it and you have value. Isn't it time you start seeing it?

Much Love, xo

Why We Hang on to Anger

    Anger goes beyond forgiveness. We can forgive until we are blue in the face but more often than not, anger remains. While anger is a healthy emotion and a normal coping mechanism, if left unchecked, it can become toxic...seeping into every area of your life. 

Anger is a secondary emotion to hurt. Hurt often caused by lack of closure. "Why didn't they love me?"  "Why did they hurt me?" You will ask yourself this same question over and over. Perhaps the answer is that they simply couldn't love you. And that has nothing to do with you. 

We hang on to anger because it's comfortable. We feel like they will get away with everything if we let it go and move forward. We are afraid of what life might look like if we didn't have our anger because it's been our only constant. 

And maybe that's the case. They get away with it, having learned absolutely nothing and seeing nothing wrong with what they did. But what does hanging on to anger really get us? It's the thing that helped us survive and cope with pain...but eventually, it starts to hinder us. It holds us back from the beautiful future we could have. 

I'm sure you've heard this phrase before, but: "Holding on to anger is like poisoning ourselves and expecting the other to die." Nothing is more true. Anger was there for us when we needed it. It got us through the worst of it, but it's time for a new emotion. Is hope an emotion? Hope for a better future, with people who know how to love you properly. 

   Instead of continuing to speculate on the whys and hows of who and what caused our pain, maybe we could speculate more about what our lives would look like if we released those people into our past where they belong, and should stay. 

   There's a few words I can think of to describe my life free of those who so frivolously played with my open heart:

Freedom

Lighter

Emotional liberation

Success

A future with people who are meant for me

Emotional availability (When we hang on to anger towards people, it leaves us unavailable for people who can and will love us properly)

It's time for a different emotion. It's time to give your inner child peace. It's time to not only forgive, but to bring peace into our lives for ourselves and the amazing people waiting to meet us <3

Much love, xo

I Forgive You

   Writing is usually a very effective form of healing for me. I get my thoughts down so they stop consuming me and eating me alive. But for some reason, this time...I'm experiencing writer's block. When I'm emotionally charged, words usually flow and today I'm emotionally wound for sound. So why aren't the words just flowing? Perhaps it's because I'm not sure what I'm to take from the pain I've endured this year, or the lessons that are to come from it. 

   The only thing that I can do now...is offer forgiveness to those who wounded me. The only thing within my control now is to say "I forgive you" and let it go. Easier said than done, I know...but putting it in writing is a very powerful form of self-affirmation. 

To those who let me down, I forgive you.

   I was vulnerable and open. I had faith in you. I believed in you. I trusted you. I told you about my already gaping wounds. I was trying so desperately to pretend my wounds were already scars, and you were there soaking it up, not really knowing any better. After all, people that know better do not go around trying to destroy other humans. 

I forgive you for your lack of compassion. An existence devoid of compassion isn't really living. 

I forgive you for not healing from your own traumas, making me a victim of circumstance. 

I forgive you for betraying me, and stabbing me in the back. 

I forgive you for your complete lack of empathy.

I forgive you for choosing me for the torture you inflicted. 

I forgive you making me believe it was my fault the way I was treated.

I forgive you for promising me friendship but stabbing me in the back when the chips were down. 

I forgive you for ghosting me.

I forgive you for not seeing my worth.

I forgive you for using me to fill a void inside of you that you couldn't fill yourself.

I forgive you for allowing your wounds to bleed all over me.

Writing all of these "I forgive you" statements, I read them back to myself and it turns out, I'm really forgiving myself for betraying me and my needs and not seeing my own worth. I don't just need to forgive the external sources that wounded me, but I need to forgive myself for forgetting about me.

I don't miss my abuser, I miss who I was when I met him. The person I thought I missed doesn't truly exist. It was a mask, covering for who he truly is.

And it hurts to be ghosted, because in so many ways, it shows how I've abandoned and rejected myself. I've abandoned my own needs so having them unmet by others is painful because it creates another void that can only be filled and solidified by me. 

I need to validate and approve of myself again, because when I don't get it from others, it's like pouring salt in the wound. It's not their responsibility, after all. It's solely mine. 

I need to be my own best friend, instead of expecting others to fill that void. 

AnneMarie, I forgive you for abandoning your needs, disrespecting your boundaries, and losing your sense of self worth. 

Much Love, xo

6 Tips to Minimize the Impact on Your Mental Health When Faced With a Lay-Off

 

 Two years ago, I lost my job in a field that I thought would be a life-long career. I went on EI and was stuck between job for about 6 months. I experienced the worst of my mental health on some days, and celebrated getting time to collect my thoughts and a chance to take a much needed break on others. It was a roller coaster but there was still an amazing silver lining to all of that: When I wasn't looking for jobs, I was sitting on the beach, drinking lattes and reading at my favorite local cafes, and catching up with friends I haven't seen in a dog's age.

   That was 2 years ago. Fast forward 2 years, and beach sitting, friends gathering, and sitting at your favorite cafes is pretty well forbidden due to a global pandemic that has proven to be a pain in everyone's collective ass. Let's get real. This time, being laid off is going to be a much more difficult challenge, because leaving the house for anything but boxed pasta and toilet paper is frowned upon and will get you Facebook shamed quicker than you can get a job at Costco during the age of panic-buying toilet paper. I wrote a blog post when I lost that job on how to keep going after a job loss and what to do to stay sane until you find other work. Well, Im rewriting it to be more relevant to our current bullshit circumstances. Here are some (not-so-bullshit) tips on lessening the impact the layoff and isolation may have on your mental and physical health:

• Give yourself a bit of time (maybe a few days) to process everything that has happened and how the pandemic has taken a toll on your life. Take a deep breath before moving forward.

• Stick to a routine similar to one you followed when you were employed

•    Do not oversleep (as tempting as that is). This is because it is so easy to slip into depression at the thought of losing your structure and stability. So get the hell out of bed and be productive with your time!

• Eat meals at regular times (this may be even healthier than the eating schedule you were on when you were working).

• Make a to-do list of productive things to do throughout the day that will move you closer to a goal and will make you feel accomplished. 

• Do your laundry.

• FaceTime or video chat with old friends you haven't seen in awhile due to time restraints imposed by the job you were just laid off from.

• Take time to relax, meditate, take time for yourself and take care of yourself.

• Engage in an at-home exercise regimen that works for you, or take regular walks around your neighborhood. Focusing on physical health can be incredibly beneficial to your mental health and the feelings of loss you may be experiencing.

• Look at taking a free online course to keep your mind stimulated and to have something (other than when you'll be called back to work) to focus on. *Coursera offers free University level courses with the option to purchase a certificate of completion for cheap. You can also join all kinds of online programs for your different hobbies and interests. Due to the virus, many online programs are being offered for free or a much lesser cost. 

• Create a goal you want to accomplish or take this time to work on a goal you already have. Something to look forward to can be life saving when everything seems so hopeless and bleak.

Remember that no matter what, you can do this and you can get through this. There will be good days and bad days. Days you wake up and thank the Lord Jesus or whatever that you don't have to get up for work, and other days when you wake up and say "what the fuck do I do now?" It's on those days that the goals you're working on are most important to stick to. Do things you enjoy (except for getting on a plane of course. That one I have needed frequent reminding of 🤣)

You're some of the toughest, most iron-willed, hard-headed m****r-f***ers I've ever worked with. A global crises is nothing to be trifled with but neither are you. 

☮️ peace!!! 

AnneMarie Vaughan

Study Tips for People with ADHD

(Not going to repeat the title or write 25 paragraphs on why these tips are needed)

1) MAKE LISTS  (Much like this one) of what you would like to accomplish. Make sure you check off the things on your list to give you that sense of accomplishment you crave so much and motivate you to keep going. Putting a checkmark beside something will give you that instant gratification we need so much.

2) SMALL DAILY GOALS Instead of designating a certain length of time to work on your studies, designate a certain amount you would like to get done that day. I find I waste a whole lot of time in that hour I promise myself I won't look at Facebook. However, if I say I'm going to read 10 pages and take notes, then it doesn't matter how long I'm working on it for, as long as I get that amount done. 

3)SMALL BREAKS ARE A LIE If you're working on reading that 10 pages and it's taking you a super long time, how focused are you really? How much are you actually retaining? People with ADHD have this little superpower called "hyperfocusing". When we take small breaks, we end up scrolling through facebook, washing the dishes, binge watching Breaking Bad, and then 5 hours has passed. It's better not to lie to yourself into taking a small break and just say "I'll come back to it later" which we usually do. If you're in the middle of a hyperfocus, do not take these small breaks because hyperfocus allows us to retain more and stay focused. Once this focus is broken, GOOD LUCK! 😅😅😅

4) Have a Tidy Work Space This allows you to remain focused and you're not going through the 20 things you have to clean later in your head. 

5) TAKE NOTES!  This will also help you remain focused and repetition is key! So you're reading it and writing down key points so you're more likely to retain important information. I found it helpful to go to the dollarstore  and get a nice notepad with a visually appealing cover. When I have all my study supplies, I get so motivated. 

Have fun folks!

When a Driven Person Doesn't Know Where to Go

    I am the type of person who always knows what's happening next in my life. I know what I want, where I want to go, and how exactly I'm going to get there. Without a second thought, I pursue it, conquer it, and move on to the next challenge that is driving me to success and fulfillment. I have always had this spark in my soul that is driving me to the next place. I'm always taking action to accomplish what it is I'm trying to accomplish. But what happens when I don't know what the fuck I want to accomplish? What do I do when I go to my mental search engine where I usually find my ambition and desires...but find nothing but a big fat, honking question mark?

I'm not talking about the general consensus of people not knowing exactly what they want to do with their life. I'm talking about the numbness that I experience when I go digging for that spark that has kept me going, and kept me strong and optimistic all these years. Where is that good ol' trusty spark I've relied on for so long telling me what I'm passionate about and telling me what to do? When I go searching, it's nothing more than a black void. Nothing. Even now, as I type this out, there is nothing where that drive and ambition use to be. So now what?

Perhaps this is nothing more than an early midlife crisis, or an existential crisis? So I sit here, creating blog filler trying to create what has been lost. And still...nothing. The excitement to write this post is the most life excitement that I've felt in days. So this still begs the very obvious question...WHAT DOES A DRIVEN PERSON DO WHEN THEY DON'T HAVE DIRECTION PULLING THEM THIS WAY OR THAT?

I'm going to create a direction. Believe it or not, this dilemma usually happens when there are too many directions to choose from but nothing really catches your eye. Do I go back to school? Do I apply for another job? Do I go back into the field I already went to school for? (Afterall, the money was half decent but being called a cunt 10x/day sucked) Do I work my way up at the job I'm in now? Do I just wait for a sign? Or do I sit and wallow in my despair for all eternity?

If I allow them, signs will show themselves and offer insight as to what I should do. I still have the drive but I don't know where it's taking me. I have never truly experienced this before and I think its a growth period. Maybe this is my time to rest. Since losing my job in March, I haven't really rested. I never stopped to just be. To simply allow air to fill my lungs, or my brain to settle. Maybe this is that time. I will feel that spark again, and someday, I'll know where I'm going and how to get there. I miss that though. Knowing and having certainty in myself and what's next for me. For now though, I'm going to rest. Until something starts pulling me in a direction, the only thing I can do  is to just allow things to happen as they're meant to. 

The thing I'm learning from this very confusing time in my life, is that sometimes, we simply have to stop everything and let it be. It will come. But not if we are constantly trying to "build it". lol. Sometimes, we are trying so hard to figure shit out and forcing things to come to us, that we miss the important signs that are guiding us. It's all right in front of our very eyes. We just have to pay closer attention. Just breathe, let it be, and watch things fall into place as they may. I am driven, but I have to let the universe take the wheel for awhile. 

When It's Important to Take a Mental Health Day

   I write this as I break my routine for a day to watch Vampire Diaries and type out blog posts and work on Forward Momentum. The original plan was to go to the gym, come back and do my two hours of studying, then do one hour of writing, and then meditate. But I left halfway through my circuit at the gym because being "motivationally" yelled at for 30 minutes can sometimes make my anxiety 10x worse. Then I was festering things that were said days ago. Then the thought of doing anything routine except for showering made me anxious and sort of angry. Even though I have everything scheduled to ensure I get everything done, I was stressing about slacking on my writing. My writing is my outlet for everything I feel inside. It's the way I organize my thoughts and feelings and get them out without lashing out or saying things I regret. So why would I slack on my writing? I have found the one constructive, healthy way to cope with anxiety and being hyper-emotional and I've been putting it off. Now here I am. The thought of writing all day while watching my favorite genre of show suddenly offered me complete relief to the point I felt like crying because anxiety is mentally and emotionally exhausting. That's when I knew I needed to take a mental health day. 

   When you try to force yourself to do things you would otherwise enjoy, or you feel obligated to do, you learn to resent those activities and it just makes you more pissed off. Experiencing emotional turmoil is also a sign that your vibrations are low and that's when you start attracting more bad feelings which in turn will attract unwanted things into your life. This is why it's so important to do things that will raise your vibrations and offer you relief rather than more anxiety and negative feelings. So sometimes you just have to say "fuck it" and break your routine so you can do things that will allow you to let go of whatever you were feeling before. 

   Most people tell you to go to the gym, take a walk, meditate, take a breath, but none of that works for me because it leaves me alone with my thoughts to fester and make me feel crappier. Spend the day doing something that you find to be an outlet for you. It's so important to acknowledge what your body and mind is trying to tell you. While it's unhealthy to stew in your emotions, it's healthy to know they are there and take the time to heal and deal. If your mind is telling you to take a break and your body feels tense and uptight, it's important to listen to that instead of trying to push through and ignore it. Take a mental health day and don't feel bad about it. Don't feel guilty about taking care of you. I will get back to my studies tomorrow after I get back from the amazing day trip I'm taking with friends :) 

Have a wonderful self-care day all! :)

Annie-M
xoxo

Loving Yourself First

I think the worst feeling in the world is feeling insecure when you use to be the most confident, self-assured person you know. Then you become emotionally invested in someone or something and suddenly you're a bowl of jelly wobbly at your jelly-like knees, in your kingdom of jello. So the question becomes, how do you remain self-assured and confident when emotionally invested in something? Most things tend to work out when you're unaffected by what the outcome is, and when you know you'll be okay either way. When you get excited about something,it tends to take over your mind and thoughts. Whether it's a job, significant other, new home, etc. You hyperfocus on it and that's when things tend to get a little hairy. I hate to say it, but that's called obsession. When I have an argument with my significant other, I actually become obsessed with making sure things are okay. It's not that I become obsessed with him, but making sure things will be okay between us. That my friends is basically me feeling like I won't be okay if "we" are not okay. 

Truth is, writing this post actually brings me back to Earth and for a fleeting moment, my mind is occupied and I don't feel insecure or 'needy' anymore. I'm writing this to help bring myself back there. I want nothing more than to be the confident, sexy, fun woman he met almost a year and a half ago at a pool club. Maybe I was fun and confident because I wasn't so tightly wound. Now I have so many things on the go, I often forgo 'fun' for my studies or Forward Momentum (the book I'm writing). I think the issue I'm having is really common. I just need to remember things that I enjoy and go back to doing that. Just writing brings me back there a little, and that's an awesome start. I think I may have forgotten to show myself a little love while I'm at it. Whether it's taking a bath with a glass of wine, just taking a night for myself, or taking myself to a show, or hanging out with friends. In loving this person so much, I believe I forgot about me. I'm sitting here waiting for him to text me, completely forgetting that it's a huge waste of time because there's more to me and to my life than just this one person. 

Me and my love. It is definitely okay for me to love myself just as much as I love him.

I started depending on someone else for my happiness. My happiness depended on his text back, on the time we spend time together, or on him to call me after work, and that is no way to live or love. I love him very much but I have to start loving myself again too. For both our sakes, and for the sake of a successful relationship. When you feel love for yourself, you attract love from others. In saying these things, it actually takes me back to my post about the cracks in my foundation; relying on others for reassurance, confidence, and for others to tell you that you're okay. I think I may be experiencing a few cracks in my own foundation right now. Well, time to get crack filler. AKA: Self-assurance on my own terms. There's no reason for me to feel bad about me or my life because of someone else. No matter how much I love that person. :)

Annie-M

xoxo

Part of Setting Your Standards is Being Honest About How You Feel

How many of you have hidden how something or someone has made you feel? 

How often have you hidden how you felt? 

After you hid your feelings, how did it make you feel?

Part of raising your standards and setting them high, is being completely unabashedly honest about how something made you feel. When you are honest about how something made you feel, you're saying "I will or will not tolerate this in my life because I like or don't like how it made me feel". You're also being honest with yourself. Otherwise, you'll just suppress and blow up later, or encourage depression and anxiety to set up shop in your mind. When someone blows you off, stands you up, says something that hurt, or they do something to make you feel badly, do you say how you feel? Or do you pretend you don't care? 

Why is society so obsessed with pretending they don't care? I for one, can't pretend for the life of me. Personally, I think it has to do with the over-masculinity of this world, not that this post is about radical feminism. Why is it not okay to be sad, angry, hurt, disappointed, frustrated, overly happy, ecstatic, elated, etc. When we are too happy, we are called crazy or told to calm down and it's nothing to be elated about. When we feel down, we are told to "cheer up", "smile", "Things will get better". Why is it not okay to feel anger or hurt? Feeling up or down about something is not handing over control to outside forces. Being honest about how you feel is being honest about who you are. Not everyone is going to understand that, no matter how close they are to you.That's okay. That's when more honesty comes in. If someone in your life doesn't understand why you feel a certain way but you are super close to them, openly explain it to them. Make them understand through open conversation. If every person understood what you felt and why you felt that way, there would be nothing to say to each other and nothing to talk about. 
   When you think about every conversation we have in our lives, the very root of them begins with how we feel about someone or something. Scientific findings exist because someone somewhere was passionate about the why, and connecting the dots, so they dedicated their lives to figuring things out that you and I couldn't. Everything starts with a feeling, an emotion, a spark that ignites a fire inside of you. Why would you want to hide that? When someone or something causes you to feel any strong emotion, it's because there's a passion inside of you. Disappointed? Hurt? It's because you have a soul and when you're hurt, you feel your soul. When you're happy, sad, it's your soul saying hello. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it makes you so happy, you can feel your feet lift off the ground. When you open your soul to others and let them know it's there, the right people will fall in love with your soul and take part in protecting it so you don't have to. Every emotion and feeling you experience is important to your foundation. Don't hide them. Set them free and be completely honest with the world (and by that, I don't mean social media) about who you are and what ignites the fire inside of you. 

I hope you found solace in this, and found a way to set free your soul to the people you love. 

xoox
Annie-M

Don't Feel Guilty About Setting Standards For The People In Your Life

So let me ask you this: What are your limits? What are the standards that you have set for your self as to how people treat you? How much are you willing to tolerate from shitty friends before you cut em loose?!

When you're there for someone every time they need to be lifted up, empowered, told they deserve better, and are going through a tough time, how many times will you put up with them bailing on you in your darkest moment before you just start waiting for the next time so you can easily justify cutting them off?

How many times are they going to refuse to pay you back  before you decide you don't need them in your life because they will always find a way to justify ripping you off?

How many times will they display jealousy and insecurity about your happiness and success before it just gets really depressing and you just get fed up with their lowly bullshit?

Whatever your answers are to these questions, I have a story for you. When this happened, I finally realized the strength I have, and the power I have. "Losing" a shitty friend isn't really a loss, just like I said how "losing" a shitty job isn't really a loss. Same concept applies.

I had this friend that I've known for about 5 years. She's had some pretty rough times with relationships, self-worth and family issues. Every time she was going through a break up, or was having issues with her self-esteem, I was right there. I tried to lift her up, tell her she deserves better, tell her she's worth so much more than her most recent boyfriend was capable of offering. I recognized her worth and her strength and power when she didn't and I never hesitated to try and lift her up when she needed it.

Fast forward to just over a year ago when I broke up with my long time boyfriend of 4 years. The day of or the day after, we were suppose to meet up for ice cream and get our nails done to talk and because I didn't wanna be alone. I was hurting. It was the only time I had ever asked her for anything. I arrived at the mall to meet her for 5pm like we agreed. At 5:30, she messaged me to let me know she hadn't even left the house and she would just rather get things done at home. She didn't try to reschedule or raincheck or even call to make sure I was okay or offer so much as an apology. I didn't hear from her for another 4 months. I let it go. I was really hurt but I let it go and got my nails done on my own.

A bunch of other times since then, she has bailed on me at the very last minute or even after we were suppose to meet. Again, I let it go. Most recently, my spouse and I invited her to New York City to join us on our adventures. We asked her way back in December (The trip was taking place in March). She was all for it. We asked her if it was okay if we booked the hotel for the 3 of us, and she said that would be okay. So we booked the hotel room for 3 people. The bill came to 1400. She booked her own flight but was flying out in the afternoon so she wasn't on the same flight as us. The day before the trip, she started saying that she was having anxiety and didn't think she would make it. That's fine. But then she decided to come but her flight got cancelled but the airline was willing to put her on the next flight so she could still come. She decided that was too inconvenient so she didn't come. At the end of the trip, I messaged her about her portion of the hotel cost, and she felt completely justified in not pitching in at all even though she said she would. We booked a room for 3 people because we trusted her to pay us back. She ripped us off and felt completely justified in doing so. So not only did she bail AGAIN at the very last second, she also indirectly stole from us.

I didn't argue with her about it, though I was very hurt and disappointed that my trust and that of Mark's had been violated, but i just told her she still had the option to come on the next flight. I just said "That's okay but it's not something I'll ever forget". I blocked and deleted her. I was just done and I have never felt stronger. It's okay to cut em loose and not feel guilty. If you have given yourself to someone every time they needed you, eventually you will become drained if they never give back. I have been on both ends of that. Maybe she's just not capable of loving others the way they love her. Some people aren't. But that's not your problem. So if you don't feel that your friendship is being reciprocated time and time again, get rid of them. They will only drag you down and become dead weight in your life. Things like this make me feel 1000x more grateful for the people in my life and the wonderful opportunities I've had. It cost me 450$ to get her out of my life. People like that? It's a price I'm willing to pay, and it gave me amazing fuel for the current chapter in my book!

Set standards that you want to see or others will be doing it for you.

So let me ask you again, how much are you willing to tolerate?


Annie-M

YOU ARE FABULOUS!
XOXO

We had an amazing time in NYC!

So You Lost Your Job. Now What?

               

   Losing your job can, and usually does have a profound impact on your self-confidence. You have just been told that you're essentially not good enough to work there, and they don't want you anymore. You thought you were good enough, and you thought you were doing everything right. This is not unlike a break up. Well guess what? This DOES NOT define you. In fact, this is the best opportunity to redefine yourself. Though at the moment it doesn't feel like it, losing your job can be the best thing that has ever happened to you, if you can move past feeling like your life is over. This, again, is not unlike a break up. When losing a job, often times we think we are worried about money. At first, that is the number one thing that goes through your mind. But then, it's your purpose, your contribution, the feeling of not having a use in society. Guess what? You have a purpose and that job wasn't it. 
  
   I lost my job. And I'm loving every minute of this vacation! I don't say that to sound entitled or like I'm not putting in an effort to find more work. I am, but I've had so much time to think and get myself together. I'm thinking career change, something intellectually stimulating, and it may or may not be temporarily working for another power-tripping employer who micromanages. I'm not sure yet. What I can say, is that I've had time to work on my holistic nutrition course, which will inevitably lead to me fulfilling my entrepreneurial dreams of running my own damn business. I've been able to work on the book I've been meaning to start, and I've been free to write this blog post (which I hope will help you see job loss in another light). Is job loss really a loss? Or is it the beginning of a beautiful journey that you didn't have time to even consider before? So now that you don't work for that employer anymore, what will you do with all the time in your day? Well, you're going to love the answer. As I mentioned in a few of my other blog posts, TRUST YOURSELF! The first thing your gut is going to tell you to do is to start rampantly applying to 12 jobs per day. Do not do this. I know you may be anxious about what may happen, but you can handle it. By rampantly applying for any job you see online, you will eventually end up in the same position and feeling underappreciated, and like nothing you do matters. Here are some things I suggest for making use of all the time you now have on your hands:

• Give yourself a bit of time (Even a week) before starting to look for work again
• Stick to a routine similar to one you followed when you were employed
• Do not oversleep (as tempting as that is). This is because it is so easy to slip into depression at the thought of losing your "purpose". So get the hell out of bed and be productive with your time!
• Eat meals at regular times (this may be even healthier than the eating schedule you were on when working your former job)
• Make a to-do list of productive things to do throughout the day that will move you closer to a goal and will make you feel accomplished. 
• Do your laundry.
• Meet up with old friends you haven't seen in awhile due to time restraints imposed by your old job
• Take time to relax, meditate, take time for yourself and take care of yourself
• Hit the gym (or an exercise regimen that works for you) as if you are on a regular work schedule (but more often). Focusing on physical health can be incredibly beneficial to your mental health and the feelings of loss you're experiencing.
• Look at taking a course or something that will improve your life or qualifications for another career
• Take the time you need to think about what's next in your life and what you want to accomplish in your life, instead of plunging yourself into another job that will end the same way this one did. 

   I cannot stress enough how important it is to stay on track with the other aspects of your life. Your job (though it may have felt like it) was not your life. It was a part of your life. Instead of thinking of it as a void you have to fill, think of it as an opening for something better and more positive. You may have loved your job, but they clearly didn't appreciate you or feel the same way. Not unlike an unhealthy one-sided relationship with a person.  

   The title of this post is "So You Lost Your Job. Now What?" The Now What part is completely up to you. It doesn't have to be the end. As for money? That will work itself out, and in so many ways if you let it. Now that you don't have that job to think about, maybe you will have an incredible idea that will lead to abundance, or you'll have a job offer that is everything you ever dreamed of. The employer that let you go was also the reason for resistance setting up shop in your mind. Set it free, and when you're ready and in a much better head space, start looking for a job that really appeals to you. Now is the time to go for what you have always wanted in your life. Now is the best time to create your reality the way you've always wanted to experience it. Losing a job? Nah. Gaining a present and future that fulfils you is more like it. 

You're capable of way more than you think you are. You have everything you need, so go for it!!

xoxo
Annie-M

Here's a great tune for those who need a little extra oomph:

Fight Song - Rachel Platten

How To Start Telling Yourself YES Now!!!

I have written posts on self-assurance, trusting yourself, and how everything that happens in your life is connected. I think you're all ready to finally start telling yourself YES and assuring yourself and trusting yourself that if you tell yourself yes, it immediately becomes possible! Everything is within your reach.

So let me ask you this: Who is your hero? Who have you found yourself idolising? Why do you idolise that person? What traits do they possess that really caught your attention? Who can you think of that is living a similar life that you have always wanted or dreamed of?


So why aren't you living that life?
Why is it possible for them, but not for you?
What is stopping you?

This is when you're going to come face to face with those limiting beliefs I wrote about  in my last post. Write them down. Ask yourself what's stopping you from living the life of your dreams or having what you want, and write down the answers that come to mind. Some of your answers may include things like:
"I wasn't born into that life"
"I have bills to pay"
"I can't just quit, where will money come from?"
"It scares me"
"Because I have a job"
"I don't know how to get there"
or simply "I can't" (you have no idea the kind of power those 2 simple words have over you)

Every person that has ever had true, meaningful success in whatever way they wanted, didn't take no for an answer. They never relied on someone else to tell them "yes, you can be successful in this" or "yes, here's your success or here's what you want". STOP ASKING FOR PERMISSION! The only person who is able to give you an accurate representation of what you're capable of, and will allow you to do it, is none other than YOU! Family, friends, people you love the most will all have some sort of doubt, and while they mean well, will begrudgingly tell you about all these things that could go wrong should you persue your goal or idea. Of course, they are trying to be practical, but there's a whole lot of people who thought Operah's ideas were impractical. I'm sure there's a lot of people who tried to tell Tony Robbins he shouldn't do it because of such and such going wrong or that it was unlikely he would succeed.

Do you think the people you look up to asked permission to become successful or to become the type of person they are? Do you think for one second they were never told no? The difference, is that they told themselves YES! I'm sure they encountered disappointment and discouragement. But they picked themselves up, said "HELL YES!" and kept on moving. They didn't sit there and cry, because another person didn't have confidence in them. They didn't whine to all their friends and then didn't try any harder, or a different way. They got up, found another way, and made that shit happen.

The time is NOW folks! What are you waiting for? Success is the road less travelled. First, ask yourself what your ideal life is. What is your dream life/career/relationship/home, etc? Write it down in such detail, you're actually visualising it in your mind. As soon as all the "but this" and "but that" enter your mind, CHANGE IT TO...."I'M SAYING YES TO MY DREAMS. I CAN DO THAT, OR AT LEAST I'M WILLING TO LEARN"

I am telling you yes. But that doesn't matter because the only yes that matters is the one you give yourself. Start practising saying yes to yourself. Absolutely nothing is out of your reach unless you believe it to be.

Success also doesn't have to be fame and money (though if you want it to, it can certainly lead to that). To me, success is living my life on my terms. It's becoming a fierce woman that doesn't take no, and pushes through to what I want, and God help those that try to get in my way. Having my own lucrative business helping people change their lives, and collaborating with someone like Tony Robbins at a seminar. That shit is possible for me because I say it is. Mr. Robbins doesn't know it yet, but we are working together in the future.  ;) And I laugh because I know how that must sound to people that aren't ready to start living, but are perfectly content with just existing.

YES I CAN AND I AM!!!!

Get out there, and go for what you want, regardless of what everyone else thinks of that.

Peace and Love

Annie-M

My Journey Continues: Releasing Limiting Beliefs and Replacing Guilt. *Trigger Warning: May offend those not ready to start living*

Feeling guilt has not done me any good. Taking responsibility for mistakes and feeling guilty are 2 different things. Guilt is wishing you can change what happened. Taking responsibility is learning from it, accepting what is, and moving forward. When I'm overwhelmed with guilt, it's because there's a discrepancy in my self-acceptance and ability to forgive myself. Feeling guilty is the opposite of showing myself kindness. Showing ourselves kindness and forgiveness are apart of repairing the cracks in our foundation. I am human and I'm doing my best, but it's not enough to me. I'm capable of so much more.

I started watching Scandal and I have watched How to Get Away With Murder. Olivia Pope and Annaliese Keating are two very powerful, self-assured women that no one can walk on and who have complete confidence in their own abilities. They are two women that no one will go toe to toe with. I strive to accomplish such traits. Do those women wallow in their mistakes? No. They recognize them and move the hell on. They are not the type of women to throw themselves at the mercy of an unworthy employer, or cry about something so miniscule. Strong, powerful, unshakeable women. That is who I strive to be. And there's not a single reason (That rings true) that I can't be the strong, unshakeable woman staring back at herself in the mirror. This is why limiting beliefs are so harmful. I may not be a lawyer, or a doctor, or the District Attorney for the Whitehouse on a political drama, but I will be one hell of a nutritionist and author that people will beg to work for. Aspiring authors, dedicated dieticians, and folks that know my work is effective and undeniable will come to me needing my help. I am willing to learn to be a top notch woman inspiring others all around the globe, and one hell of a woman that doesn't fall for the "corporate ladder" scheme, or the 18$/hour bullshit. I am becoming a strong, fierce woman on top of the world. I am not at the mercy of just another employer... some other entrepreneur who has made their own dreams come true and now I'm just another number.

Do you hear what I'm saying? You can do this too! Do not be fooled by the age-old "get a job, make a little money, etc..." How many of you that read this have been fed the same old lines over and over again since you can remember? The only way to make money is hauling in a Paycheck every two weeks. Work up the ladder and you'll be successful with a pension. None of this involves creating your own success or putting value on yourself and what you bring to the world. It essentially strips you of any value, and advises you to not think of yourself as valuable because "you haven't earned it". I call BULLSHIT. Release those limiting beliefs that have been holding you back and keeping you in fear of doing it yourself. You will step on some toes, and people will try to make you apologize for that. Don't. The only toes you will step on are the ones that get in the way, and want to see you fail. So ask yourself this. What would Olivia Pope or Annaliese Keating say? Or better yet, what would the top-notch, fierce, 'Take no shit' YOU say?

Are you going to cry? Back down from what you want? Are you going to ask politely to become a successful individual, or are you going to TAKE what rightfully belongs to you? The success, financial freedom, the backbone to change the world? The people who have accomplished these things did not ask nicely. They went, found it, and took it. They took action. But if you don't BELIEVE it's possible, then you're absolutely right. But if you can find it in you somewhere, that it's possible.... then you're right about that too. Stop crying, stop whining, use your angst to take MASSIVE action in your life.  Fuck those limiting beliefs you've had shoved down your throat. GO AND TAKE WHAT'S YOURS AND DON'T WASTE ANOTHER SECOND.

Peace and Love.

Annie-M

My Journey Continues: Letting Go of Fear

This morning, I woke up with a feeling of foreboding anxiety, and well....FEAR. I thought to myself: is it money? Nope. I'm not worried about money. My relationship? Nope. Not worried about that. I was literally worried and fearful for no reason. I had just woken up. I shouldn't really be feeling anything too strongly as nothing had even happened in my day yet. My body has actually been programmed to go into fear mode when there's no other strong emotion filling that void at any given moment.

Fear is a response that is suppose to keep us safe. Back in our caveman days, fear helped us avoid danger, and protect us, and keep our species from going extinct, as it does for every other species. However, fear has become it's own energy. Fear has become our default response to everyday life. It no longer keeps us safe, but actually puts us in danger as it clouds judgement and creates a physiological response of high blood pressure, anxiety, depression (which can lead to suicide), high stress, and more. Fear once kept us safe. Now, it is effectively eliminating us. Fear is killing us. Fear is all we know. It helped us evolve and move forward, but now fear is holding us back from progression and evolution. We need to embrace what comes next, rather than live in fear of it.

When I had figured out that I was fearful for nothing, I filled the gaping void with gratitude. I wrote down a huge list of things I was grateful for and started practicing positive self talk. In my last blog post, I talked about repairing the cracks in my foundation with self-assurance and self trust. So why am I afraid? I have all this power that I've taken back. So is this fear of nothing connected to those same cracks in my foundation? Or is it just where my comfort zone is? Have I really been living my life being comfortable with always being afraid? Afraid to move forward, afraid of relying on myself, afraid of creating my own life that doesn't require me to be unhappy. Fear has been my default response. Don't get me wrong, if someone said right now "we need to talk" without telling me the reason, I would still keel over and try not to vomit. It may take years for me to heal that response to uncertainties and the unknown. But it all begins with positive self talk and trusting myself. Working with my life coach Tess Adams and soon to be seeing a mental health professional are 2 ways I expect to see a big change in myself and the fear I experience as a default response to not having an emotion at that moment or not knowing what to feel. Fear has become it's own being, and has been effectively running and ruining my life. It has taken so much joy, and kept me from joy that I could have experienced. The very large and dark cloud that kept me in constant survival mode is beginning to subside. I trust myself. There's no reason to be afraid anymore. I can handle everything thrown my way, and unknowns will make themselves known and I can't control uncertainties. This is just the beginning of my journey and I am not going to live in fear of living life and creating my own happiness.

So when you have fear, what is it about? Or do you know? If you do know, do you really need to be in fear? If you don't know, replace those thoughts of fear with feelings of gratitude and thoughts about trusting yourself. Make a list of gratitude until the fear subsides. Most of us have been programmed for fear. Fear is what has kept us going, but now it hinders us and holds us back. Are you ready to break free of that? Get rid of that sense of foreboding and replace it with gratitude and things that bring you joy. Replace fear with self-assurance and thoughts of self-trust. You can do this! You can handle anything! Trust yourself. The rest will fall into place.

Annie-M

My Journey Continues: The Cracks in My Foundation

Self-doubt, worry, anxiety, and stress are all cracks in my foundation. My foundation is made of self-assurance, self-trust, and confidence that I can handle anything thrown my way. No matter what, I'm always given opportunities to repair the cracks in my foundation by staying strong, and reminding myself "I can do this". Do I take advantage of those opportunities? Not always. That's because I've always relied on an employer, a significant other, a job, or a friend to assure me and believe in me. I've never practised positive self talk because I always gave that power to others. I never realized just how big of a weight that is until now. That's a huge power, and with great power comes great responsibility. In turn, that is a lot of responsibility to require of others, when It is something I have been capable of all along.

I understand now, why so many people have left. They grew tired, and handed me back the power of my self-assurance. But I wasn't strong enough because I always expected others to carry it. My self-love, self-assurance, and self-trust are all my responsibility. I didn't get that until now. And it's been a long time coming.

Is it nice when someone tells you it's all going to be okay? Absolutely! Should you rely on them saying it in order for you to believe it? Absolutely not!

Positive affirmations, positive self-talk, and being willing to learn and embrace all things that come your way will mould and repair the damages in your foundation. Sometimes, the cracks run so deep, our subconscious sabotages our efforts with disbelief and self-discouragement. So tweak it. Instead of saying "I am...", say "I am willing to learn...". Your subconscious is more likely to accept that, and you can build on it from there. Slowly, but surely, your foundation of self-trust will become strong and unshakeable. Trust yourself, for you are capable of making miracles happen in the midst of chaos.

So what are you needing to tell yourself right now to begin repairing the damages from the inside out?

"I am willing to learn that everything is working out, and that I can handle everything that gets tossed my way."

And remember this: Life is like sitting around a fire on a windy day. Be ready to adapt to the ever-changing conditions, and be ready to change direction at a moment's notice.

Peace and love.

Annie-M