When a Driven Person Doesn't Know Where to Go

    I am the type of person who always knows what's happening next in my life. I know what I want, where I want to go, and how exactly I'm going to get there. Without a second thought, I pursue it, conquer it, and move on to the next challenge that is driving me to success and fulfillment. I have always had this spark in my soul that is driving me to the next place. I'm always taking action to accomplish what it is I'm trying to accomplish. But what happens when I don't know what the fuck I want to accomplish? What do I do when I go to my mental search engine where I usually find my ambition and desires...but find nothing but a big fat, honking question mark?

I'm not talking about the general consensus of people not knowing exactly what they want to do with their life. I'm talking about the numbness that I experience when I go digging for that spark that has kept me going, and kept me strong and optimistic all these years. Where is that good ol' trusty spark I've relied on for so long telling me what I'm passionate about and telling me what to do? When I go searching, it's nothing more than a black void. Nothing. Even now, as I type this out, there is nothing where that drive and ambition use to be. So now what?

Perhaps this is nothing more than an early midlife crisis, or an existential crisis? So I sit here, creating blog filler trying to create what has been lost. And still...nothing. The excitement to write this post is the most life excitement that I've felt in days. So this still begs the very obvious question...WHAT DOES A DRIVEN PERSON DO WHEN THEY DON'T HAVE DIRECTION PULLING THEM THIS WAY OR THAT?

I'm going to create a direction. Believe it or not, this dilemma usually happens when there are too many directions to choose from but nothing really catches your eye. Do I go back to school? Do I apply for another job? Do I go back into the field I already went to school for? (Afterall, the money was half decent but being called a cunt 10x/day sucked) Do I work my way up at the job I'm in now? Do I just wait for a sign? Or do I sit and wallow in my despair for all eternity?

If I allow them, signs will show themselves and offer insight as to what I should do. I still have the drive but I don't know where it's taking me. I have never truly experienced this before and I think its a growth period. Maybe this is my time to rest. Since losing my job in March, I haven't really rested. I never stopped to just be. To simply allow air to fill my lungs, or my brain to settle. Maybe this is that time. I will feel that spark again, and someday, I'll know where I'm going and how to get there. I miss that though. Knowing and having certainty in myself and what's next for me. For now though, I'm going to rest. Until something starts pulling me in a direction, the only thing I can do  is to just allow things to happen as they're meant to. 

The thing I'm learning from this very confusing time in my life, is that sometimes, we simply have to stop everything and let it be. It will come. But not if we are constantly trying to "build it". lol. Sometimes, we are trying so hard to figure shit out and forcing things to come to us, that we miss the important signs that are guiding us. It's all right in front of our very eyes. We just have to pay closer attention. Just breathe, let it be, and watch things fall into place as they may. I am driven, but I have to let the universe take the wheel for awhile.