Loving Yourself First

I think the worst feeling in the world is feeling insecure when you use to be the most confident, self-assured person you know. Then you become emotionally invested in someone or something and suddenly you're a bowl of jelly wobbly at your jelly-like knees, in your kingdom of jello. So the question becomes, how do you remain self-assured and confident when emotionally invested in something? Most things tend to work out when you're unaffected by what the outcome is, and when you know you'll be okay either way. When you get excited about something,it tends to take over your mind and thoughts. Whether it's a job, significant other, new home, etc. You hyperfocus on it and that's when things tend to get a little hairy. I hate to say it, but that's called obsession. When I have an argument with my significant other, I actually become obsessed with making sure things are okay. It's not that I become obsessed with him, but making sure things will be okay between us. That my friends is basically me feeling like I won't be okay if "we" are not okay. 

Truth is, writing this post actually brings me back to Earth and for a fleeting moment, my mind is occupied and I don't feel insecure or 'needy' anymore. I'm writing this to help bring myself back there. I want nothing more than to be the confident, sexy, fun woman he met almost a year and a half ago at a pool club. Maybe I was fun and confident because I wasn't so tightly wound. Now I have so many things on the go, I often forgo 'fun' for my studies or Forward Momentum (the book I'm writing). I think the issue I'm having is really common. I just need to remember things that I enjoy and go back to doing that. Just writing brings me back there a little, and that's an awesome start. I think I may have forgotten to show myself a little love while I'm at it. Whether it's taking a bath with a glass of wine, just taking a night for myself, or taking myself to a show, or hanging out with friends. In loving this person so much, I believe I forgot about me. I'm sitting here waiting for him to text me, completely forgetting that it's a huge waste of time because there's more to me and to my life than just this one person. 

Me and my love. It is definitely okay for me to love myself just as much as I love him.

I started depending on someone else for my happiness. My happiness depended on his text back, on the time we spend time together, or on him to call me after work, and that is no way to live or love. I love him very much but I have to start loving myself again too. For both our sakes, and for the sake of a successful relationship. When you feel love for yourself, you attract love from others. In saying these things, it actually takes me back to my post about the cracks in my foundation; relying on others for reassurance, confidence, and for others to tell you that you're okay. I think I may be experiencing a few cracks in my own foundation right now. Well, time to get crack filler. AKA: Self-assurance on my own terms. There's no reason for me to feel bad about me or my life because of someone else. No matter how much I love that person. :)

Annie-M

xoxo