I Forgive You

   Writing is usually a very effective form of healing for me. I get my thoughts down so they stop consuming me and eating me alive. But for some reason, this time...I'm experiencing writer's block. When I'm emotionally charged, words usually flow and today I'm emotionally wound for sound. So why aren't the words just flowing? Perhaps it's because I'm not sure what I'm to take from the pain I've endured this year, or the lessons that are to come from it. 

   The only thing that I can do now...is offer forgiveness to those who wounded me. The only thing within my control now is to say "I forgive you" and let it go. Easier said than done, I know...but putting it in writing is a very powerful form of self-affirmation. 

To those who let me down, I forgive you.

   I was vulnerable and open. I had faith in you. I believed in you. I trusted you. I told you about my already gaping wounds. I was trying so desperately to pretend my wounds were already scars, and you were there soaking it up, not really knowing any better. After all, people that know better do not go around trying to destroy other humans. 

I forgive you for your lack of compassion. An existence devoid of compassion isn't really living. 

I forgive you for not healing from your own traumas, making me a victim of circumstance. 

I forgive you for betraying me, and stabbing me in the back. 

I forgive you for your complete lack of empathy.

I forgive you for choosing me for the torture you inflicted. 

I forgive you making me believe it was my fault the way I was treated.

I forgive you for promising me friendship but stabbing me in the back when the chips were down. 

I forgive you for ghosting me.

I forgive you for not seeing my worth.

I forgive you for using me to fill a void inside of you that you couldn't fill yourself.

I forgive you for allowing your wounds to bleed all over me.

Writing all of these "I forgive you" statements, I read them back to myself and it turns out, I'm really forgiving myself for betraying me and my needs and not seeing my own worth. I don't just need to forgive the external sources that wounded me, but I need to forgive myself for forgetting about me.

I don't miss my abuser, I miss who I was when I met him. The person I thought I missed doesn't truly exist. It was a mask, covering for who he truly is.

And it hurts to be ghosted, because in so many ways, it shows how I've abandoned and rejected myself. I've abandoned my own needs so having them unmet by others is painful because it creates another void that can only be filled and solidified by me. 

I need to validate and approve of myself again, because when I don't get it from others, it's like pouring salt in the wound. It's not their responsibility, after all. It's solely mine. 

I need to be my own best friend, instead of expecting others to fill that void. 

AnneMarie, I forgive you for abandoning your needs, disrespecting your boundaries, and losing your sense of self worth. 

Much Love, xo