They Will NEVER See Your Worth

    This is a hard one to write, because it reminds me that forever and a day, I've failed over and over again to see my value. And I've been trying to prove it to others for a lifetime. Maybe if they see how good I look now, maybe once they see I ride a motorcycle, or I have a good paying job. The truth is, they will NEVER see your worth any more than you do. 

    And even when you begin to see your value, they still won't see the amazing, beautiful, and strong person you are. You've been through it sis, and no one from your past that treated you some kinda way is going to see what it took to get to where you are. I play over and over in my head, different scenarios where I run into people in the grocery store, on the street, at work, where maybe they'll see me, talk to me, and suddenly see what they're missing, see what they could have had, suddenly regret treating me the way they did. 

    Truth is, it's just another Tuesday for them. And it's another moment wasted wondering if they finally see it. If they see you. Nope. They're not even thinking about it. And quite frankly, you shouldn't be either. 

    We are told that thinking about ourselves is selfish, and we are raised with the oxymoron of "don't let people get to you", but on the same side of that coin, being told what people think of you matters. And this is where we start failing to see our worth. We put stock in what people think, so we start defining our self-worth by that too. It's time to put an end to this bullshit line of thinking. Start thinking about YOU, and what you think of YOU! 

    The best and easiest way to do this is to think of yourself as 2 different people. Imagine the other you as a different person and actually caring about what they think of the real you. That's who needs to see your worth. That's who needs to value you. 

    We put so much effort into defining our worth by how much others value us, that we literally forget about ourselves. We keep asking ourselves "Why won't they see my worth?" The truth is, it's not their fucking job. It's yours and it's time to own it. Let's stop making others responsible for how we feel about ourselves.

    The funny thing is that when we start truly seeing our own worth, and valuing ourselves the way we want others to, people who also value you will start coming into your life. And this is why self love before trying to love someone else is so important. It's not about DESERVING love if you love yourself. It's about boundaries. It's about setting those expectations for yourself and others who intend to stay in your life. When you practice self love, you set stronger limits and boundaries, and you'll draw in people who respect them and who also have strong boundaries, while others will fade away. 

    It's time to start turning inwards for the answers as to why we struggle so hard with friendships, relationships, etc. 

    So the people you've been thinking about for years, the people you imagine running into at the grocery store, and the people who didn't see your worth then, will NEVER see your worth now. And if they appear to, it's superficial. You have always been worthy. You've always been extremely valuable. You've always been worth it. Even as the "ugly duckling" in high school. Even before you bought a car. Even when you were making minimum wage at a coffee shop. Even when you were dumped or ghosted. 

You're worth it and you have value. Isn't it time you start seeing it?

Much Love, xo

Why We Hang on to Anger

    Anger goes beyond forgiveness. We can forgive until we are blue in the face but more often than not, anger remains. While anger is a healthy emotion and a normal coping mechanism, if left unchecked, it can become toxic...seeping into every area of your life. 

Anger is a secondary emotion to hurt. Hurt often caused by lack of closure. "Why didn't they love me?"  "Why did they hurt me?" You will ask yourself this same question over and over. Perhaps the answer is that they simply couldn't love you. And that has nothing to do with you. 

We hang on to anger because it's comfortable. We feel like they will get away with everything if we let it go and move forward. We are afraid of what life might look like if we didn't have our anger because it's been our only constant. 

And maybe that's the case. They get away with it, having learned absolutely nothing and seeing nothing wrong with what they did. But what does hanging on to anger really get us? It's the thing that helped us survive and cope with pain...but eventually, it starts to hinder us. It holds us back from the beautiful future we could have. 

I'm sure you've heard this phrase before, but: "Holding on to anger is like poisoning ourselves and expecting the other to die." Nothing is more true. Anger was there for us when we needed it. It got us through the worst of it, but it's time for a new emotion. Is hope an emotion? Hope for a better future, with people who know how to love you properly. 

   Instead of continuing to speculate on the whys and hows of who and what caused our pain, maybe we could speculate more about what our lives would look like if we released those people into our past where they belong, and should stay. 

   There's a few words I can think of to describe my life free of those who so frivolously played with my open heart:

Freedom

Lighter

Emotional liberation

Success

A future with people who are meant for me

Emotional availability (When we hang on to anger towards people, it leaves us unavailable for people who can and will love us properly)

It's time for a different emotion. It's time to give your inner child peace. It's time to not only forgive, but to bring peace into our lives for ourselves and the amazing people waiting to meet us <3

Much love, xo

I Forgive You

   Writing is usually a very effective form of healing for me. I get my thoughts down so they stop consuming me and eating me alive. But for some reason, this time...I'm experiencing writer's block. When I'm emotionally charged, words usually flow and today I'm emotionally wound for sound. So why aren't the words just flowing? Perhaps it's because I'm not sure what I'm to take from the pain I've endured this year, or the lessons that are to come from it. 

   The only thing that I can do now...is offer forgiveness to those who wounded me. The only thing within my control now is to say "I forgive you" and let it go. Easier said than done, I know...but putting it in writing is a very powerful form of self-affirmation. 

To those who let me down, I forgive you.

   I was vulnerable and open. I had faith in you. I believed in you. I trusted you. I told you about my already gaping wounds. I was trying so desperately to pretend my wounds were already scars, and you were there soaking it up, not really knowing any better. After all, people that know better do not go around trying to destroy other humans. 

I forgive you for your lack of compassion. An existence devoid of compassion isn't really living. 

I forgive you for not healing from your own traumas, making me a victim of circumstance. 

I forgive you for betraying me, and stabbing me in the back. 

I forgive you for your complete lack of empathy.

I forgive you for choosing me for the torture you inflicted. 

I forgive you making me believe it was my fault the way I was treated.

I forgive you for promising me friendship but stabbing me in the back when the chips were down. 

I forgive you for ghosting me.

I forgive you for not seeing my worth.

I forgive you for using me to fill a void inside of you that you couldn't fill yourself.

I forgive you for allowing your wounds to bleed all over me.

Writing all of these "I forgive you" statements, I read them back to myself and it turns out, I'm really forgiving myself for betraying me and my needs and not seeing my own worth. I don't just need to forgive the external sources that wounded me, but I need to forgive myself for forgetting about me.

I don't miss my abuser, I miss who I was when I met him. The person I thought I missed doesn't truly exist. It was a mask, covering for who he truly is.

And it hurts to be ghosted, because in so many ways, it shows how I've abandoned and rejected myself. I've abandoned my own needs so having them unmet by others is painful because it creates another void that can only be filled and solidified by me. 

I need to validate and approve of myself again, because when I don't get it from others, it's like pouring salt in the wound. It's not their responsibility, after all. It's solely mine. 

I need to be my own best friend, instead of expecting others to fill that void. 

AnneMarie, I forgive you for abandoning your needs, disrespecting your boundaries, and losing your sense of self worth. 

Much Love, xo