They Aren't Your People, They Never Were...A Hard Lesson Learned

It's exciting, meeting new people to hang out with and laugh with. It's the greatest feeling when you're having a great time with your new peeps and they start saying "you fit right in with us!" This line has always started me thinking that I've met my people and finally I fit in somewhere. And then...they start posting pictures of the adventures they go on with the others, not even so much as throwing out an invite. Or you're going through 6 weeks of mental health hell, practically planning your own death, and it's crickets from their whole crowd. 

Personally, I'm tired of hearing the age old "people have their own lives". Yes. Okay. But when they call you a friend, that's suppose to mean something. Why do I have to be so understanding of other people all the fucking time, when they don't invite me anywhere or send me a casual message here and there when I'm having a shit time, but still have the fucking audacity to say "we're like a family"? It's not that I'm overthinking things, it's that they simply aren't my people. 

To me, being included and feeling like I belong somewhere doesn't feel like being left out and treated like an afterthought. When I'm truly friends with someone, I don't treat them this way because it's just shitty. 

Seeing people I thought were my friends ghost me, fall off the face of the Earth and then resurface with a new bestie who's getting tagged in everything and won't respond to my messages has been nothing short of devastating and hurtful and it's been happening since junior high. 

The truth is, most people who you thought were your friends aren't and never were.

The other side of this, is learning to move on without establishing the mindset that they're bad people, but one that they're just different. 

I'm an extrovert, I like to socialize, and I like going out and getting to know people and going on adventures. When I'm trying to be friends with people who don't ever invite me anywhere, and that never talk to me, and never agree to coming out, I have to realize that I'm trying to be friends with the wrong people. It doesn't mean that I'm anxiously attached or that I'm being too needy. It simply means, I have yet to meet the people meant for me :)

When you meet the right people that you're meant to have in your life as close friends, you won't feel rejected, or left out, or like you're always saying and doing the wrong things. And you won't feel like you need to prove yourself to fit in or be welcomed. They accept you all through your highs and lows, and are there for them too, even with a brief message to say hello once in awhile. 

By learning this lesson, it's easier to let it go. Your people will come and fitting in or a sense of belonging will come oh so naturally. 

Much Love,

Annie

xo

3 Ways to Heal Your Relationship with Yourself

                    

1) SET BOUNDARIES FOR YOURSELF

        Do you ever make a decision or say yes to something when you really wanted to say no? You know that feeling of instant regret or that feeling that you betrayed yourself? Those feelings you get are telling you that you violated boundaries that you should be enforcing. Decide right now 3 boundaries you have just for yourself. Write them down and read them back to yourself.

        Ex: My non-negotiables for myself are:    

        

• Must honor my needs at all times
• Must be fiercely dedicated to my growth and healing at all times, no exceptions
• Must consciously make decisions that reflect new and healthy patterns and habits, consistently
• Must make consistent and constant effort to be in the present moment     

2) Learn to recognize unhealthy patterns of familiarity so you can begin to change them

            The ugly truth is that humans are creatures of habit. From the time we are wee children, to the ripe old age of 99, we live out conscious and subconscious habits. Unfortunately, for those of us with any trauma, we tend to relive that too with different people who offer the same thing as the last. This is especially true in romantic relationships. How love was defined for you as a child is how you will seek love and recognize love as, as an adult. Our subconscious minds are always seeking out what's familiar as an effort to keep us safe. It's strange because it's seeking out dangers to let us know what to avoid...yet we end up being attracted to it. For me, it was being attracted to men that either didn't know how to love me, or would inevitably leave. My sperm donor (as I like to call him) left without a word and throughout my life, ghosted me twice. I haven't heard from him in over 10 years. So I would get involved with men that would offer a similar experience. 

                Be honest with yourself. I know this love interest may seem different right now, as they always do. But what indicators do they give that they're going to give you something different? It's not easy getting real with yourself because it saves energy to just go with it and accept what you've always accepted. But it's just you reliving your trauma again and again. The more honest you are with yourself, the sooner you can start making different decisions and having different encounters. 

                So ask yourself: What do my last 3 romantic relationships/interests have in common? What is the pattern? And what are some new habits I can form to start having more positive and healthier experiences?

3) Acknowledge past hurts, allow yourself to feel the accompanying emotions, and tend to your needs based on your emotions. 

                Emotions are about what you need. When you try to suppress or ignore events, emotions, and traumas, you're essentially ignoring your needs that are pivotal to your healing and development. Cry as hard and as long as you need to. Tune in to the emotions you're feeling and ask your inner child what it is they need. Comfort, stability, love, and understanding are usually at the top of the list. It's your job now to give that little person what they need. 

                This part is painful but doesn't have to be for long. What have you been keeping locked away to keep yourself from feeling the extent of what's been hurting you all these years? What are the emotions that come up when you set it free? And what are your emotions telling you that you need?

It is never too late to begin your journey. You can do this. And you can get through this <3

AnneMarie

xoxo