They Aren't Your People, They Never Were...A Hard Lesson Learned

It's exciting, meeting new people to hang out with and laugh with. It's the greatest feeling when you're having a great time with your new peeps and they start saying "you fit right in with us!" This line has always started me thinking that I've met my people and finally I fit in somewhere. And then...they start posting pictures of the adventures they go on with the others, not even so much as throwing out an invite. Or you're going through 6 weeks of mental health hell, practically planning your own death, and it's crickets from their whole crowd. 

Personally, I'm tired of hearing the age old "people have their own lives". Yes. Okay. But when they call you a friend, that's suppose to mean something. Why do I have to be so understanding of other people all the fucking time, when they don't invite me anywhere or send me a casual message here and there when I'm having a shit time, but still have the fucking audacity to say "we're like a family"? It's not that I'm overthinking things, it's that they simply aren't my people. 

To me, being included and feeling like I belong somewhere doesn't feel like being left out and treated like an afterthought. When I'm truly friends with someone, I don't treat them this way because it's just shitty. 

Seeing people I thought were my friends ghost me, fall off the face of the Earth and then resurface with a new bestie who's getting tagged in everything and won't respond to my messages has been nothing short of devastating and hurtful and it's been happening since junior high. 

The truth is, most people who you thought were your friends aren't and never were.

The other side of this, is learning to move on without establishing the mindset that they're bad people, but one that they're just different. 

I'm an extrovert, I like to socialize, and I like going out and getting to know people and going on adventures. When I'm trying to be friends with people who don't ever invite me anywhere, and that never talk to me, and never agree to coming out, I have to realize that I'm trying to be friends with the wrong people. It doesn't mean that I'm anxiously attached or that I'm being too needy. It simply means, I have yet to meet the people meant for me :)

When you meet the right people that you're meant to have in your life as close friends, you won't feel rejected, or left out, or like you're always saying and doing the wrong things. And you won't feel like you need to prove yourself to fit in or be welcomed. They accept you all through your highs and lows, and are there for them too, even with a brief message to say hello once in awhile. 

By learning this lesson, it's easier to let it go. Your people will come and fitting in or a sense of belonging will come oh so naturally. 

Much Love,

Annie

xo

3 Ways to Heal Your Relationship with Yourself

                    

1) SET BOUNDARIES FOR YOURSELF

        Do you ever make a decision or say yes to something when you really wanted to say no? You know that feeling of instant regret or that feeling that you betrayed yourself? Those feelings you get are telling you that you violated boundaries that you should be enforcing. Decide right now 3 boundaries you have just for yourself. Write them down and read them back to yourself.

        Ex: My non-negotiables for myself are:    

        

• Must honor my needs at all times
• Must be fiercely dedicated to my growth and healing at all times, no exceptions
• Must consciously make decisions that reflect new and healthy patterns and habits, consistently
• Must make consistent and constant effort to be in the present moment     

2) Learn to recognize unhealthy patterns of familiarity so you can begin to change them

            The ugly truth is that humans are creatures of habit. From the time we are wee children, to the ripe old age of 99, we live out conscious and subconscious habits. Unfortunately, for those of us with any trauma, we tend to relive that too with different people who offer the same thing as the last. This is especially true in romantic relationships. How love was defined for you as a child is how you will seek love and recognize love as, as an adult. Our subconscious minds are always seeking out what's familiar as an effort to keep us safe. It's strange because it's seeking out dangers to let us know what to avoid...yet we end up being attracted to it. For me, it was being attracted to men that either didn't know how to love me, or would inevitably leave. My sperm donor (as I like to call him) left without a word and throughout my life, ghosted me twice. I haven't heard from him in over 10 years. So I would get involved with men that would offer a similar experience. 

                Be honest with yourself. I know this love interest may seem different right now, as they always do. But what indicators do they give that they're going to give you something different? It's not easy getting real with yourself because it saves energy to just go with it and accept what you've always accepted. But it's just you reliving your trauma again and again. The more honest you are with yourself, the sooner you can start making different decisions and having different encounters. 

                So ask yourself: What do my last 3 romantic relationships/interests have in common? What is the pattern? And what are some new habits I can form to start having more positive and healthier experiences?

3) Acknowledge past hurts, allow yourself to feel the accompanying emotions, and tend to your needs based on your emotions. 

                Emotions are about what you need. When you try to suppress or ignore events, emotions, and traumas, you're essentially ignoring your needs that are pivotal to your healing and development. Cry as hard and as long as you need to. Tune in to the emotions you're feeling and ask your inner child what it is they need. Comfort, stability, love, and understanding are usually at the top of the list. It's your job now to give that little person what they need. 

                This part is painful but doesn't have to be for long. What have you been keeping locked away to keep yourself from feeling the extent of what's been hurting you all these years? What are the emotions that come up when you set it free? And what are your emotions telling you that you need?

It is never too late to begin your journey. You can do this. And you can get through this <3

AnneMarie

xoxo

They Will NEVER See Your Worth

    This is a hard one to write, because it reminds me that forever and a day, I've failed over and over again to see my value. And I've been trying to prove it to others for a lifetime. Maybe if they see how good I look now, maybe once they see I ride a motorcycle, or I have a good paying job. The truth is, they will NEVER see your worth any more than you do. 

    And even when you begin to see your value, they still won't see the amazing, beautiful, and strong person you are. You've been through it sis, and no one from your past that treated you some kinda way is going to see what it took to get to where you are. I play over and over in my head, different scenarios where I run into people in the grocery store, on the street, at work, where maybe they'll see me, talk to me, and suddenly see what they're missing, see what they could have had, suddenly regret treating me the way they did. 

    Truth is, it's just another Tuesday for them. And it's another moment wasted wondering if they finally see it. If they see you. Nope. They're not even thinking about it. And quite frankly, you shouldn't be either. 

    We are told that thinking about ourselves is selfish, and we are raised with the oxymoron of "don't let people get to you", but on the same side of that coin, being told what people think of you matters. And this is where we start failing to see our worth. We put stock in what people think, so we start defining our self-worth by that too. It's time to put an end to this bullshit line of thinking. Start thinking about YOU, and what you think of YOU! 

    The best and easiest way to do this is to think of yourself as 2 different people. Imagine the other you as a different person and actually caring about what they think of the real you. That's who needs to see your worth. That's who needs to value you. 

    We put so much effort into defining our worth by how much others value us, that we literally forget about ourselves. We keep asking ourselves "Why won't they see my worth?" The truth is, it's not their fucking job. It's yours and it's time to own it. Let's stop making others responsible for how we feel about ourselves.

    The funny thing is that when we start truly seeing our own worth, and valuing ourselves the way we want others to, people who also value you will start coming into your life. And this is why self love before trying to love someone else is so important. It's not about DESERVING love if you love yourself. It's about boundaries. It's about setting those expectations for yourself and others who intend to stay in your life. When you practice self love, you set stronger limits and boundaries, and you'll draw in people who respect them and who also have strong boundaries, while others will fade away. 

    It's time to start turning inwards for the answers as to why we struggle so hard with friendships, relationships, etc. 

    So the people you've been thinking about for years, the people you imagine running into at the grocery store, and the people who didn't see your worth then, will NEVER see your worth now. And if they appear to, it's superficial. You have always been worthy. You've always been extremely valuable. You've always been worth it. Even as the "ugly duckling" in high school. Even before you bought a car. Even when you were making minimum wage at a coffee shop. Even when you were dumped or ghosted. 

You're worth it and you have value. Isn't it time you start seeing it?

Much Love, xo

Why We Hang on to Anger

    Anger goes beyond forgiveness. We can forgive until we are blue in the face but more often than not, anger remains. While anger is a healthy emotion and a normal coping mechanism, if left unchecked, it can become toxic...seeping into every area of your life. 

Anger is a secondary emotion to hurt. Hurt often caused by lack of closure. "Why didn't they love me?"  "Why did they hurt me?" You will ask yourself this same question over and over. Perhaps the answer is that they simply couldn't love you. And that has nothing to do with you. 

We hang on to anger because it's comfortable. We feel like they will get away with everything if we let it go and move forward. We are afraid of what life might look like if we didn't have our anger because it's been our only constant. 

And maybe that's the case. They get away with it, having learned absolutely nothing and seeing nothing wrong with what they did. But what does hanging on to anger really get us? It's the thing that helped us survive and cope with pain...but eventually, it starts to hinder us. It holds us back from the beautiful future we could have. 

I'm sure you've heard this phrase before, but: "Holding on to anger is like poisoning ourselves and expecting the other to die." Nothing is more true. Anger was there for us when we needed it. It got us through the worst of it, but it's time for a new emotion. Is hope an emotion? Hope for a better future, with people who know how to love you properly. 

   Instead of continuing to speculate on the whys and hows of who and what caused our pain, maybe we could speculate more about what our lives would look like if we released those people into our past where they belong, and should stay. 

   There's a few words I can think of to describe my life free of those who so frivolously played with my open heart:

Freedom

Lighter

Emotional liberation

Success

A future with people who are meant for me

Emotional availability (When we hang on to anger towards people, it leaves us unavailable for people who can and will love us properly)

It's time for a different emotion. It's time to give your inner child peace. It's time to not only forgive, but to bring peace into our lives for ourselves and the amazing people waiting to meet us <3

Much love, xo

I Forgive You

   Writing is usually a very effective form of healing for me. I get my thoughts down so they stop consuming me and eating me alive. But for some reason, this time...I'm experiencing writer's block. When I'm emotionally charged, words usually flow and today I'm emotionally wound for sound. So why aren't the words just flowing? Perhaps it's because I'm not sure what I'm to take from the pain I've endured this year, or the lessons that are to come from it. 

   The only thing that I can do now...is offer forgiveness to those who wounded me. The only thing within my control now is to say "I forgive you" and let it go. Easier said than done, I know...but putting it in writing is a very powerful form of self-affirmation. 

To those who let me down, I forgive you.

   I was vulnerable and open. I had faith in you. I believed in you. I trusted you. I told you about my already gaping wounds. I was trying so desperately to pretend my wounds were already scars, and you were there soaking it up, not really knowing any better. After all, people that know better do not go around trying to destroy other humans. 

I forgive you for your lack of compassion. An existence devoid of compassion isn't really living. 

I forgive you for not healing from your own traumas, making me a victim of circumstance. 

I forgive you for betraying me, and stabbing me in the back. 

I forgive you for your complete lack of empathy.

I forgive you for choosing me for the torture you inflicted. 

I forgive you making me believe it was my fault the way I was treated.

I forgive you for promising me friendship but stabbing me in the back when the chips were down. 

I forgive you for ghosting me.

I forgive you for not seeing my worth.

I forgive you for using me to fill a void inside of you that you couldn't fill yourself.

I forgive you for allowing your wounds to bleed all over me.

Writing all of these "I forgive you" statements, I read them back to myself and it turns out, I'm really forgiving myself for betraying me and my needs and not seeing my own worth. I don't just need to forgive the external sources that wounded me, but I need to forgive myself for forgetting about me.

I don't miss my abuser, I miss who I was when I met him. The person I thought I missed doesn't truly exist. It was a mask, covering for who he truly is.

And it hurts to be ghosted, because in so many ways, it shows how I've abandoned and rejected myself. I've abandoned my own needs so having them unmet by others is painful because it creates another void that can only be filled and solidified by me. 

I need to validate and approve of myself again, because when I don't get it from others, it's like pouring salt in the wound. It's not their responsibility, after all. It's solely mine. 

I need to be my own best friend, instead of expecting others to fill that void. 

AnneMarie, I forgive you for abandoning your needs, disrespecting your boundaries, and losing your sense of self worth. 

Much Love, xo

6 Tips to Minimize the Impact on Your Mental Health When Faced With a Lay-Off

 

 Two years ago, I lost my job in a field that I thought would be a life-long career. I went on EI and was stuck between job for about 6 months. I experienced the worst of my mental health on some days, and celebrated getting time to collect my thoughts and a chance to take a much needed break on others. It was a roller coaster but there was still an amazing silver lining to all of that: When I wasn't looking for jobs, I was sitting on the beach, drinking lattes and reading at my favorite local cafes, and catching up with friends I haven't seen in a dog's age.

   That was 2 years ago. Fast forward 2 years, and beach sitting, friends gathering, and sitting at your favorite cafes is pretty well forbidden due to a global pandemic that has proven to be a pain in everyone's collective ass. Let's get real. This time, being laid off is going to be a much more difficult challenge, because leaving the house for anything but boxed pasta and toilet paper is frowned upon and will get you Facebook shamed quicker than you can get a job at Costco during the age of panic-buying toilet paper. I wrote a blog post when I lost that job on how to keep going after a job loss and what to do to stay sane until you find other work. Well, Im rewriting it to be more relevant to our current bullshit circumstances. Here are some (not-so-bullshit) tips on lessening the impact the layoff and isolation may have on your mental and physical health:

• Give yourself a bit of time (maybe a few days) to process everything that has happened and how the pandemic has taken a toll on your life. Take a deep breath before moving forward.

• Stick to a routine similar to one you followed when you were employed

•    Do not oversleep (as tempting as that is). This is because it is so easy to slip into depression at the thought of losing your structure and stability. So get the hell out of bed and be productive with your time!

• Eat meals at regular times (this may be even healthier than the eating schedule you were on when you were working).

• Make a to-do list of productive things to do throughout the day that will move you closer to a goal and will make you feel accomplished. 

• Do your laundry.

• FaceTime or video chat with old friends you haven't seen in awhile due to time restraints imposed by the job you were just laid off from.

• Take time to relax, meditate, take time for yourself and take care of yourself.

• Engage in an at-home exercise regimen that works for you, or take regular walks around your neighborhood. Focusing on physical health can be incredibly beneficial to your mental health and the feelings of loss you may be experiencing.

• Look at taking a free online course to keep your mind stimulated and to have something (other than when you'll be called back to work) to focus on. *Coursera offers free University level courses with the option to purchase a certificate of completion for cheap. You can also join all kinds of online programs for your different hobbies and interests. Due to the virus, many online programs are being offered for free or a much lesser cost. 

• Create a goal you want to accomplish or take this time to work on a goal you already have. Something to look forward to can be life saving when everything seems so hopeless and bleak.

Remember that no matter what, you can do this and you can get through this. There will be good days and bad days. Days you wake up and thank the Lord Jesus or whatever that you don't have to get up for work, and other days when you wake up and say "what the fuck do I do now?" It's on those days that the goals you're working on are most important to stick to. Do things you enjoy (except for getting on a plane of course. That one I have needed frequent reminding of 🤣)

You're some of the toughest, most iron-willed, hard-headed m****r-f***ers I've ever worked with. A global crises is nothing to be trifled with but neither are you. 

☮️ peace!!! 

AnneMarie Vaughan

Study Tips for People with ADHD

(Not going to repeat the title or write 25 paragraphs on why these tips are needed)

1) MAKE LISTS  (Much like this one) of what you would like to accomplish. Make sure you check off the things on your list to give you that sense of accomplishment you crave so much and motivate you to keep going. Putting a checkmark beside something will give you that instant gratification we need so much.

2) SMALL DAILY GOALS Instead of designating a certain length of time to work on your studies, designate a certain amount you would like to get done that day. I find I waste a whole lot of time in that hour I promise myself I won't look at Facebook. However, if I say I'm going to read 10 pages and take notes, then it doesn't matter how long I'm working on it for, as long as I get that amount done. 

3)SMALL BREAKS ARE A LIE If you're working on reading that 10 pages and it's taking you a super long time, how focused are you really? How much are you actually retaining? People with ADHD have this little superpower called "hyperfocusing". When we take small breaks, we end up scrolling through facebook, washing the dishes, binge watching Breaking Bad, and then 5 hours has passed. It's better not to lie to yourself into taking a small break and just say "I'll come back to it later" which we usually do. If you're in the middle of a hyperfocus, do not take these small breaks because hyperfocus allows us to retain more and stay focused. Once this focus is broken, GOOD LUCK! 😅😅😅

4) Have a Tidy Work Space This allows you to remain focused and you're not going through the 20 things you have to clean later in your head. 

5) TAKE NOTES!  This will also help you remain focused and repetition is key! So you're reading it and writing down key points so you're more likely to retain important information. I found it helpful to go to the dollarstore  and get a nice notepad with a visually appealing cover. When I have all my study supplies, I get so motivated. 

Have fun folks!